Never would I had thought that downtime could be massively productive. There is a satisfaction in finishing things off a to do list but more so in not having a to do list at all.
Things “feel” right when checked off an over scheduled calendar but I would rather have only as many things to do a day as I can remember in my head. Nothing more…
The weird story of “downtime”.
The more I consume, the more I “think” that I know and the less I do.
The more seemingly useless tasks I do, the more I “think” that I’m too busy for my passions.
The more time I spend by myself the more I realize what I’m really missing and need to work on.
Alone time is underrated. Being truly alone is quite liberating. I don’t mean being alone without relationships, I’m talking about- the being alone while having plentiful meaningful relationships. Never burdening someone with your tantrums nor letting someone burden you with theirs. That kind of alone.
There is a mysterious sense of growth spread all over because it’s not just happening in one direction anymore but now growth will be seen in many different directions and even surprise you.
Eliminating drama.
Suddenly finding an intrinsic motivation to learn and work with passion instead of it being pushed and procrastinated all the time.
These things are not coincidental nor are they some sort of luck. “It’s easy for you, you are always motivated!” Well no, I am not always motivated. But I guess I am when I am undisturbed.
When I am not anxious.
When I am not thinking about how to please someone.
When I am finally thinking about my own needs before running to rescue someone I love.
I am really excited to spend hundreds of hours worth learning without feeling like I’ve done too much. Suddenly I feel like doing it all.
I feel alive and I don’t feel controlled or handled like a puppet doll. And sometimes it comes with disappointments… People feeling disappointed in you that you don’t need them anymore to tell you what to do. But don’t worry about it too much.
You were disappointed first. Remember?
You just never learnt to acknowledge your disappointments. Always letting them go and now you feel guilt for finally having done something about it.
They will get over it.
You will also get over not feeling guilty for being yourself. You don’t need motivation, you just need to spot all the subtle ways in which people keep you afraid. By narrowing your eye gaze to really be able to see them in which you are feeling unlike yourself. All the ‘x’ number of things that are holding your morale down, they make you feel like you are not good enough. Tell them back “game on you.”
Just stack one good thing after another and rise in your own eyes. I love you my fam! And I hope that my little blogs of power reach you well :)
May.
Getting better with time,good Mayuri
Damned 🥂